Sunday 2 November 2008

There is always a choice.

Well, after letting DH have his way on Friday night without complaint I thought things would be OK for the weekend. Me and the kids had done our thing and let him do his thing (which appeared to be to watch Ray Mears episodes -but there is no accounting for taste is there?). I must admit that I did come home and after getting the kids into bed I was pretty exhausted myself so went to bed soon after, whilst DH stayed up to watch yet another episode of his hero Ray. I have no idea what time he came to bed, but it must have been late. The next morning I was awake quite early so got up quietly, made coffee and came straight onto the computer to do a bit of blog reading and writing and then a bit of general chilling out. Needless to say, the kids were not far behind me, but at 5 and almost 9 they can sort their own breakfasts so I got on with my computer stuff. I was, however, more than a bit shocked to go back into the bedroom about an hour later, to find DH dressed and ironing..... and was it my imagination or was he also huffing?

Now, this could be my imagination, as it was Saturday, so for me it is a day to chill and take things a bit easy, but I felt that he was showing, yet again, that I was failing as a housewife by getting the ironing done (again!). I really do try with the ironing. His plan for me is to do it literally as I take it off the washing lines and then put it away, but I kinda go for my mum's approach which is to save it all up and then tackle it in front of a good DVD. However, I haven't found much time for DVD watching recently, either with the ironing or not. I let him get on with it, whilst I found stuff for me to do too, hanging out more washing from the machine and washing up etc. I tried a bit of tentative chatting. You know the kinda thing -'are you OK today?' Reply: 'fine'. 'You don't have to do the ironing now' reply: 'it needs doing'. Well I gave up a bit after that, helped the kids get dressed, DS to get his homework done and then excused myself with dd to go to the shops to get some bread for lunch. The relief to get out into the sunshine was enormous. Also with one of my little partners in crime too is a bonus. DD is only 5, but she talks a lot of sense and we had a fascinating conversation both to the shops and back about why bees have hairy legs. She knew everything incidentally.

We arrived home to find that DH had now assumed the more usual position of sitting in a chair, feet on footstool, laptop on lap. I told him I had got rolls for lunch and he didn't really respond. So I asked who was hungry and it seemed that both the kids were so I set about putting lunch on the table. I didn't have much in the way of salad (wasn't given any money for the market this week -but had a little left from the week before -I hate asking for money) but we had bread, and ham and cheese and I had brought some small cakes too, so felt this was enough. I told everyone that everything was ready but DH was the last into the kitchen and then spent ages rifling around in the fridge saying things like 'no tomatoes?' 'How long has this jar of pesto been here?' and generally denting my housekeeping prowess even more. I wonder if many people know what it is like to spend nearly the whole week in your own company, alone with your own thoughts or sitting with the laptop open, in the hope of just a little adult connection that might care about how you feel and maybe even be able to tell you that you are OK? I think, there might actually be a few and I am definitely one of them. I wonder if I were to tell DH this he would want to listen without judgment and criticism? Alas I already know the answer to this one. No he would huff as I am being problematic and then give me about twenty reasons why I am not making the grade as a person and that all my problems and moans are down to me and me alone. I don't need to hear this anymore. I have had more than a few years of this and I don't need to hear it again. I think I know more than most my own failings as a person and don't need to hear them again, especially not when I am trying to be open and am at my most vulnerable. So I keep it all inside myself. I eat my lunch, forcing it down because I don't actually feel like eating, but any deviation results in me spoiling stuff for everyone and am relieved when everyone gets up from the table and leaves me alone to wash up and breath out how I feel.

The afternoon is no better. DH is on the computer constantly. I manage to get back on for a few minutes when he is watching the Formula One qualifying and he says something like 'oh I wondered how long it would take you.' like it is the saddest thing in the whole entire world. For me it is the saddest thing really and the enjoyment is sucked out immediately so I go off to start cooking some tea instead, stirring the risotto whilst simultaneously trying to read a Jamie Oliver cookbook and escape into yet another different world, where there is some love and passion and caring. The kids and I eat at the table and it is a relief that DH eats his in front of the TV. We can relax and have some chat and when DD doesn't eat the risotto I can give her an apple instead without all the comments associated with my failings as a mother too.

I hope for improvement in the evening after the kids are in bed, but DH announces that he is going to watch some more Ray Mears and so I go off to bed on my own with Dombrey and Son by Charles Dickens which, for me, is much more entertaining than watching Ray Mears wander around Australia. I am well asleep before DH comes into bed so I don't hear him.

I probably should point out that not all days with DH are like this. Sometimes we have fun, but something that I wonder about a lot, is whether this state of affairs outweighs the good times or not. I wonder one day if the kids will come back to me and say that their childhood wasn't so wonderful as they were constantly treading on eggshells and never got to do the stuff they wanted to do. Unfortunately I do not know the answer to these things right now. I also don't think there is much of a choice to be made. I have no money of my own and nowhere to go anyway. I toy a lot with getting a little job and putting some money away for my future, but know that even if I can earn something then it will be swallowed up by stuff for the kids and probably the stuff I buy now, like shopping etc. as this is how things have been in the past when I worked full-time. DH just stops giving me any money as I don't need it anymore and then complains that I am a rubbish saver! (I brought all the Xmas pressies then too!!) So for now, I will bide my time a bit, write my blog a bit, and breath out all the rubbish and hope that things improve quickly this time.

4 comments:

  1. Very big hugs from me. If I was around the corner, then they would not just be virtual ones.
    You can breath out as much rubbish as you want and we will be here for you. XXX

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  2. Hi Alex, Thanks for the hugs. I know you are all there for me which is always good to know. So as long as the laptop is ok then I know I will be!!

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  3. I am so pleased you have been blogging, do you feel it has helped? I also feel so sad that I can't pop in for a chat but at least you know that I am often near my pc too. I am sorry things seem to be so pants at the moment, keep your chin up tomorrow is another day! Lots of love xxxx

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  4. Do you know, I actually feel better blogging it. It is really helpful, it is kind of nice putting it out 'there' so it is not just inside me and going round and round. Thanks for the support EJ, it really means a lotxxxx

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